Decades of suffering with aggressive degenerative disability (MS) caused me to deal in the currency of my soul. It has been tough slugging because it deals with the essence of my being and how I saw myself in the world and how I acted and reacted in and to the world. My first 30 years were healthy and athletic, and then I was disabled using cane(s), crutches and wheelchairs. Who was I? What had I become? Why? How was I to deal with the sorrow and grief that coursed through my veins, breaking my heart and the hearts of those who loved me.
With God's help, I was able to cross my river of grief at my adult-acquired disability to discover a new self. The old self was gone as surely as if I had died. I needed to grieve my loss, then search for a new self and a new self-identity. A new Mark emerged—different to be sure—but no less alive or vital than the previous Mark. My soul answered Yes to the fundamental question: Is life worth living, even if it seems to be in hopeless circumstances? Victor Frankel was a survivor of Nazi death camps. In his remarkable book Man's Search For Meaning, he wrote:
"In the consciousness of one's inner value is anchored in higher more spiritual things and cannot be shaken by camp life. But how many free men, let alone prisoners possess it?"
I could relate to this. My wheelchair was a prison for my broken body, but it also liberated me spiritually by driving me inward to deal with my inner brokenness. I had to deal with the darkness of sin. Frankel also wrote: "If there is to be any meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering."
This struck a full chord. My journey with the neurological degeneration of MS served as a purifying fire. Some men are guilty of sins of the flesh, gluttony, jealousy or envy, fits of anger, alcohol or drug abuse. I am guilty of the worst sin: Pride. Pride was what made the devil the devil!
I needed to be brought low and have that infernal pride crushed. I think MS was God's tool. There were times when I could not dress myself or tie my own shoes, times when I needed to be propped up in my electric wheelchair to keep me from sagging to one side or the other, times when I needed to be diapered, times when I couldn't speak and my hearing was affected. Times when my vision was impaired so much I couldn't read, times when my hands were too weak to cut the meat on my dish at meals. Someone else had to do it for me. Creeping paralysis made me triplegic (the loss of use of three limbs). We had to build a wheelchair-accessible home. There were times when I was virtually bedridden and needed a hoist to get me out of bed. I needed to come to a necessary point where I was dependent on others to do many basic daily things. I needed humiliation and shame to understand that I was not in charge of my life and that my pride and independence needed to give way to humility of interdependence. My health was gone. My career was over at the age of thirty-eight then put out to pasture. The only thing left to me was love (both human and divine). I needed to surrender every shard of my life to Christ and be willing to accept whatever His will might be. I needed to become content in whatever state I found myself in because the Holy Spirit was with me and in me. It was in surrender that I found freedom.
Then God released me from my wheelchair, seven years ago, to walk again as an old man.
years. My wife and I love Christ. We have contentment and peace. If I had to go back into that electric wheelchair gathering dust in an unused bedroom, for whatever years I have left, I will still praise God. My every 'Why' has been answered in Christ.
MDP
