On a number of occasions I have written about the
loneliness of disability. I suppose readers might be apt to think loneliness is not
unique to people with severe disabilities, and they are right. Most lonely
people are not disabled. You don’t even need to be alone to be lonely; a person
can be lonely in a crowded room. The issue is interconnectedness with others.
Humanity was created for relationships. We are
hardwired for connections with others and for intimacy. I’m not referring to intimacy in a sexual
context ─ although that is important in marriage ─ I am referring to a broader
context of intimate human friendship and belonging.
Being cut-off from intimate human friendships and
the accompanying sense of not belonging to a social group is a source of deep
loneliness. In his brilliant and
penetrating 1943 essay entitled The Inner Ring,
C.S. Lewis wrote about the human desire to belong to certain social groups
and the terror of being excluded from them. He described the rings of social groups
in society like skins of an onion.
All people may, at any point, be included in or excluded
from a desired social Ring, or try to pierce through to a Ring, or be in the
process of being thrown from one. Lewis
said:
 |
| C.S. Lewis |
“I believe that in all men’s lives at certain
periods, and in many men’s lives at all periods between infancy and extreme old
age, one of the most dominant elements is the desire to be inside the local
Ring and the terror of being left outside.”
The desire to be on the inside of a society of
people may not necessarily be for the snobbery of high life. A person may desire to be part of a
particular grungy artistic côterie or some intellectual or political clique. It is an aspect of life people may not speak
about – particularly when they are trying to get into a new group − when they
are still one of “them” rather than one of “us”.
We see this desire to belong blatantly displayed with
teenagers. The yearning to fit into a
particular group will propel a young person to do odd or drastic things to gain
acceptance. It can become all-consuming for them. Behavior, clothing, general
appearance and morals will change to identify with, and be accepted by, a particular
social group of teens ─ often identified as the “in” group. In order for there
to be “in” groups, there must also be “out” groups. An “in” group maintains its elitism by
remaining small and making entrance difficult for some and impossible for
others. They create terror for the excluded by cruel and humiliating reminders
of their exclusion. The excluded will try to find some point of affinity with
another group to which they stand a chance of gaining acceptance. The drive to
be accepted and enjoy intimate friendships is very strong. When it is denied the soul aches, the heart
breaks. Being rejected by all social groups is too horrible to contemplate and
creates unbearable dimensions of loneliness.
For many people with profound disabilities, they are
often excluded from all social groups.
Before my own disability, gaining acceptance within
certain desirable social groups was easy. Once inside the group, I built my
status as relationships were established.
(This was immensely useful to my career and raw ambition.) That all
changed the day I was diagnosed with an incurable and degenerative
disease. Doors to my social rings of
people quietly closed and did not reopen. Intimate human relationships of
friends grew cool and eventually went cold. It all happened with the greatest of
politeness and aplomb but there was no mistaking it: I went from warmth of “us”
to cold shock and dismay of being with “them”.
The unstated rejection was complete: Invitations to
intimate discussions huddled with like-minded people ceased. The warm reassuring winks, nods and subtle
smiles of acknowledgement about some esoteric point of understanding, agreement
and approval disappeared and were replaced by blank stares or worse: expressions of pity! I cannot express in words
the horrible shock of becoming an outsider.
It was only
when I eventually discovered that it didn’t matter. I was accepted by the Holy
One who died as an outsider, rejected by men.
There is no need to strive to reach for an invisible ring of earthly
acceptance or fear of losing it. My desire for intimacy is fulfilled in a
relationship with Christ. I have unconditional acceptance by the creator of
intimacy.
MDP
